The Occasional Regret

Sometimes I think it’s a burden to be so emotional- to want to save the world and to help everyone, all the time. I can’t imagine that it’s reasonable to most people. Like… when you step on the spider instead of putting it outside, it sincerely hurts my feelings. If you didn’t create that life, it is not yours to take. And the fact that we spend so much time hurting each other is something I still can’t get used to, no matter how old I am.

Where have we gone?

If I make introductions, I don’t want to later be forced into competitions or be made to defend myself to the people I care about, who really ought to know better. I don’t want to realize your agenda and have to process the feelings of knowing that I did this to myself by opening the door for you. I don’t want attacks to come from left field and I don’t think it’s fair to force third parties into a battle of sides. Your personal insecurities are wrecking me, as they have wrecked you so many times in the past.

I know I am at fault. I am reminded repeatedly to “say no”, but I can’t… I won’t. I will open the door and invite the vampire in with open arms and emotional heart… and I WILL have the nerve to be surprised as he goes for my neck, because it WILL still surprise me. But I don’t want to be someone like you. I want to love freely, to care sincerely and deeply. I want to be an open door.

Please, just today, take five minutes. Walk outside and breathe in this new warm air. And as you consider your areas of tension, please ask yourself if it’s REALLY that important. How will you feel about this in 5 years? In 10 years? Then force yourself to consider the things that truly move you and inspire you. Feel that love, and approach your world with that foundation glowing around you. I promise you that your life will change, and my life will thank you for it. Because really, what if you didn’t have tomorrow? Would it have been worth it?

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That’s My Dawg!

Last night when I came home from work, my lovely Femi (see photo) was so very very happy to see me. She knocked things over with her tail and followed me for a good ten minutes. And since it was pretty late and I was all alone, it really got me thinking…

She’s nine years old this past December. She has Lyme’s Disease and it affects her joints. Her eyes are clouding over and she’s getting pretty cranky. But she loves me. Every moment of every day, she loves me like no one ever has – just as she has for the past 7 years. She was one of my rescues and I absolutely fell in love with her. I will nuzzle her face and kiss her and roll around on the floor with her and sleep in her doggie-hair bed every single day. She is the best dog anyone has ever had.

I write this because it reminded me of a couple of times in the past when “significant” others would become angry with me because they believed I loved my dog (or my car) more than I loved them. And last night I realized that, in fact, I DID love her more. The awareness was a bit startling, but it really was true. I don’t know if that makes me a bad person, but when she passes it will hurt a whole lot more than it hurt losing any one of them. Irrelevant at this point, but wow! That must have sucked!

I’d like to say I am sorry, but I don’t feel sorry. Because she deserved my love. She didn’t lie, cheat, scam or abandon. She greeted me with love every time I walked in the door. So I can’t be sorry. I am no longer making excuses for being me. These days, I simply say: “That’s what I do”, because I am me. And you can take it or leave it.

So I will go home tonight to be greeted by the world’s greatest dog (in the world!!), and I will get on the floor in my suit and roll around with her and kiss her stinky-dog face and be so very thankful that I have been blessed with at least one beautiful life force that was strong enough to love me for me, every single day. I hope you can find the same.