Dear God


Dear God (or Buddha, or Mary, or Zeus…),

It’s Cher.

Not your most favorite, I know. But I was hoping we could talk for a sec.

I’ve been having a difficult time lately. It seems I’m so busy that things are slipping. And by “things”, I mean my mind. If you could help me level out, I’d sure be happy.

I also wanted to thank you for making such cool words. Take “EXECUTE” for example… it can mean the beginning or the end. It’s a powerful word. You’re very clever. I use words often.

I have a couple of requests, if you’re not too busy…

First, could you hook me up with a teenie lotto win? I don’t need much, just maybe… fifty thousand bucks… so I could get that 2008 Shelby GT500 King? Even you would be impressed with its’ 540 horsepower 5.4L supercharged V8 with Ford Racing Power Pack upgrade, 3.73:1 rear axle ratio, short throw shifter and a beefed up suspension, unique Carbon composite hood, 18-inch wheels and special 40th Anniversary badging along with GT500 KR striping. Yeah – I know!

I figured that would be easier than asking for superpowers, right?

Also, if you could give my son a little scare. Not too much – just enough to make him want to make better choices. Wow, that’d be great. He really is a beautiful kid.

And can you please forgive me for not forwarding the emails? I didn’t know that the sacred angel came in emails and I haven’t forwarded a single one. So please don’t doom me forever to a loveless, friendless, penniless existence. If I had known you were counting email forwards as a means of entry into Heaven, I would have been sending them a long time ago. I didn’t mean it. I am truly, sincerely sorry.

The puppy was a great idea. Thank you for the puppy. And thank you for trees. I really love trees.

Just wondering – have you ever thought about giving your children an allowance? I used to think I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a paycheck. So if I did some chores, maybe, would you consider giving me an allowance? Because I’d really like to explore this great world you’ve created and it’s kind of hard to do when I have to work all the time. Here are some things I think I could help you with:

Cleaning the ring around the oceans
Dusting the mountaintops (they collect pretty serious white dust!)
Vacuuming the forests
Sending thank-you notes to environmentalists

Oh! Maybe you could throw in some nice perks for my friends. After all, they put up with me all year long… As far as I can tell – they like cars, musical equipment, jewelry and techie gadgets.

Wow, they would really appreciate that. Thanks!

Oh, and if you’re not too tired – world peace would be cool. But if you’re too busy, don’t worry about that right now. I’m sure President Obama can handle it, temporarily. He seems to be doing a pretty nice job.

Thanks for listening.

Cher

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